Nepenthes Iowii

“I’ll have a vanilla latte, but could you make it in my 12-ounce mug?”

“Is it clean?”

“Yes.”

“Sure, but there’s like, a 75 cent fee for a personal mug.”

Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it

“There’s – like – a 75 cent fee, or there is a 75 cent fee?” Smiling.

“There is a 75 cent fee.”

No eye-rolling – That’s a good sign

“Okay, I’m fine with that. Thanks.”

“We also have to charge you for not indicating what size right away. That’s an extra 5 cents.”

“But you’re putting it in my 12-ounce mug. Can’t you just base my size desire off of that?”

“No.”

“Okaaaaay it’s just an extra nickel so that’s fine.”

“Great! There’s also a 10 cent personal mug fee we tack on for a donation that goes towards maintaining the Toilet Plant in Borneo.”

The Toilet Plant?! You have to be kidding me

“Shouldn’t that be my choice?”

“We only apply it to customers who use their own personal mug.”

“But why the Toilet Plant?”

“If you have to ask we add 1 dollar to the donation.”

“Alright, alright I take back the question.”

“Oh, I’m sorry that’s a 2 dollar surcharge.”

Is this person for real? Am I real? Am I in a nightmare?!

“Okay then I don’t take it back.”

“Great! Would you like to add a breakfast sandwich to your order for 3 dollars more?”

“I’m not sure, what is the cost of each answer?” Sarcastically folds arms across chest.

“It’s 20 cents for a ‘no’ and 50 cents for ‘yes’.”

Blindness commence, my eyes have rolled out of my head

“So the sandwich is actually 3 dollars and 50 cents.”

“No, the sandwich is 3 dollars, but the answer ‘yes’ is 50 cents more.”

That’s it. Nightmare confirmed

“Um, no, then.”

“Alright, will that be all?”

“Yes, um, yes. Just the latte.”

“Perfect! I’ll just add the 40 cent human charge –”

“The what now?”

“– plus the amount of time you have been here at the counter, wow looks like 10 minutes! That’s great.”

“You’re charging me for my time?”

“Yes, because technically –”

“No, no, that’s fine I don’t want to rack up any more change fees.”

“Well the time charge is a dollar amount, but okay! Your total comes to –”

This is rich, so freaking rich…*incoherent mumbles*

“16 dollars and 50 cents.”

“I’m assuming you will charge me for giving you a 20 dollar bill?”

“No, but we don’t give any change back if you don’t pay with the exact amount.”

“How can you – what do you – who is your – you know what, nevermind. Thanks for the latte.”

“You are so welcome! Have a great day!”