Thoughts on Thoughts

“7 Thoughts From a Chronically Unhappy Person”
Diana Spechler – The New York Times, April 21st, 2015

Sleeplessness. Only sleeping a few hours, not due to lack of exhaustion, but perhaps an overwhelming amount. That’s what causes sleeplessness. Worrying so much that it keeps you awake, and even after you are physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted from worrying you cannot fall asleep.

Misunderstood. Expressionless. Cover-up.

You think it’s dramatic that that girl would rather fail the oral presentation and run out of the room crying than just “suck it up” and do it? That’s why she won’t tell you what’s wrong – because you believe it’s something that can be explained, overruled, overridden, and forgotten, and she’s just being silly. Well that reaction you call silly is killing her from the inside. No, I’m not being dramatic. This is exactly what that reaction is doing:

Making her dizzy. You know when you spin around too much and you see those black dots? Well, everything within her is spinning so much all she can see are those black dots.
Causing her to feel lightheaded. She needs to sit down before she passes out.
Creating a nauseous feeling that is only worsened by the above two.
Draining her confidence. Well, any that she had to begin with. Why go through with this when this is the reaction of her body? She’ll never be good enough.

Oh, and embarrassing her. She can deal with it better when it happens in her apartment, or when she’s alone. But in a room full of people, in a crowd, or in a public place, this reaction escalates because she knows people like you are watching, wondering why she’s being so dramatic.

Why won’t it stop? When will it be over? Believing in herself is easy, she is a strong believer in herself. But in those moments her mind has other plans – she can’t do it. She shouldn’t do it. She won’t do it.

And even at times when the obligation’s strength outweighs the anxiety’s, she still feels worthless afterwards. Because it’s likely to happen again, and once is enough to make her say “once is enough,” and quit.

Quit until that reaction lessens, until it ceases to exist. But if it already rules so much of her, how many times must she give up, so this gnawing, life-sucking reaction doesn’t exist? What if it’s already gnawed away too much, so if she continues to unravel and continues to quit, she herself will not exist?